Blog Therapy 101: Coping when Life Stomps on Your Throat

It's been a while since I wrote a blog, but now that I have significantly more time on my hands, and people say that writing is therapeutic, I figure I'll have a go.

So life (very) recently stomped on my chest-- I am knee-deep in break-up mode. Ah, heartache, the suckiest of pains, has descended upon me, and like Jimmy Kimmel holds on to a bad joke, it won't let me go.

So after you go through the days of weeping at your desk, wailing in the streets, cursing God and thinking you will never know love again, what next?

Well, right now I'm immersed in sadness, but at least I'm eating (somewhat) again. Two good things that come out of it are, 1: I have lost several pounds, & 2. The sadness is so heavy it makes me tired, thus curing my slight case of insomnia.

So now what? I splurged on Rock Band, which actually is pretty fun. When I'm not crying into the mike while singing Audioslave, I rock. I purchased some clothing items, from shirts to dresses down to new underwear (all on amazing sales of course). I've done the sappy long emotional letter thing, but after all that, after the troops are called in to force you to be an active person in the world, and now that you're semi-functioning, what happens?

Well, I don't know. If I did, I would've written a book, and it would've made millions, and this blog wouldn't matter. But right now, I'm at a point of self-examination. Why is it that I find myself constantly in this situation? Why does any woman for that matter? Today, on my way home, I realized that the question I always ask myself is, "Why am I always falling for men who can't give me what I need/deserve?" I think about past relationships that weren't serious, where I crossed ethnic boundaries, thinking this is what my heart wants, I owe it to myself to explore things. That seems to backfire, with each time being worse than the previous. This time I really did myself in, because I opened myself up, and fell deeply in love. I think, deep down, I always thought there was a boundary in his life that I could never cross. While I was fully involved in his day-to-day life, I was never exposed to this whole other world, which consisted of his parents, other family, and close friends.

The problem, I realize, is that while it sucks that I was never apart of that world, I let it pass, knowing deep down that it hurt, and that it bothered me, I always offered up excuses, like, "he needs time", and "he doesn't see them that often", etc. Even typing this, I realize that I offered up so many excuses, because I was happy on the surface, and scared to make waves.

I was an amazing girlfriend, who cooked for and supported him, laughed and cried with him, was a caregiver who could rock his world, and then watch football with him, because I loved the sport too. I believe he appreciated and loved the insides, but it was just the packaging that he never fully could accept. Maybe if I came in different packaging that could be accepted into his family, I wouldn't be writing this blog.

The issue is, why did I walk into this situation? I look at other couples, interracial couples, and I wonder how they make it work. How do these people find each other, love each other, and build a life? Of course, that begs the question, "Why can't I find my (insert race/ethnicity/religion) counterpart? If that is what is supposedly the natural choice, why can't I find it?

But when I think of all the arguments, all the talking heads who say things like, not finding yourself constantly attracted to someone who "looks like you", you find yourself in a form of self-hate...is that really true? Then I think about how for hundreds of years, people have "mingled" with other races, is there such a thing? As much as I am an idealist, and I think that we as a people have come such a long way, it seems that I am always reminded of how far we still need to go.

Personally, I think I'm drawn to men who are on some level or another unavailable. Whether it's because he's not ready for a long term relationship, is involved with a girlfriend that I never knew about, or, is not ready to include me in all aspects of his life. The more I think about it, I always feel as if I get it right, but then it turns out, I've got it all horribly wrong...you know, at this point in the movie of my life, isn't this when I go grab coffee at the shop with the coffee guy who is hot and has been pining for me for years, and then hope is restored? Bah, I hate romantic comedies...well, they are DEFINITELY more entertaining when you have someone in your life...when you don't, you hate them and eat bon bons.

In the end, I think the heart wants what it wants. I don't know what mine wants anymore, because right now its broken. Hopefully my heart will lead me to a man who can give me what I need--to be accepted in all aspects of his life; to be a unit that leads to him telling me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me...that he'd rather fight with, laugh, and love me over any other woman. I truly hope I am done with men who are on some level unavailable.

I guess the thing that annoys me, is, men are always in the drivers' seat. They decide if they're ready to commit, and isn't that total bullshit? They can settle on a woman who they may sort of love, who fits in with what seems acceptable, and we just go along with it.

I think about people who are in long-term relationships, and people who have been married for decades. I think about how sad it is when a couple settles on one another, out of respect, appreciation, and duty to family. I think about how when the kids are gone, and there's no one left in the home, how sad it is when two people are so distant, because they were either never fully in love to begin with, or they just grew distant because they settled. I hope that is a fate I will never have, because I think I would rather be alone, than unhappy with someone.

I hope that I find the relationship I am currently getting over, only an upgrade. I want to live my life in love with the man I'm with, and he loves me puts me first, just like I will, with him.

Ah, but only time will tell what life has in store for me. So far, life, or higher powers that be are getting off on making me suffer...I mean, it's not like darfur, or slavery or anything, but it's still difficult...I mean, it's not exactly a hanged nail or one of those mac/pc commercials. It's actual pain. One day I'll be able to look back on this and laugh, and my boyfriend/fiance will laugh and say, "you're weird"--to which I'll reply, "well, you're in love with a weirdo"...to which he'll respond- "then I guess I'm marrying a weirdo". I know it sounds like a corny romcom movie, but I had something close to that, and I'm not going to settle for anything less.

Until next time folks...and since I have A LOT of time at night on my hands...when I'm not out partying and living la vida single life (right...aka watching Heroes and Gossip Girl)...you can bet your sweet little bottoms there will def be a next time.